Monthly Archives: February 2012

Bad guy

Don’t get me wrong — life sucks.  I have proof.  I’ve survived homelessness, having my home burnt down and getting abused.  My abuser got away with it.  He punched me in the head more times than I can remember (’cause I got punched in the head.)  He left a permanent scar on my face.  He stole every penny I had.

But I left him in 2004.  And in 2010, after managing to start a home business and get my life back together, I picked up a cyberbully, or virtual abuser.  First I thought this person was going to be a great new friend and s/he turned out to be yet another in the series of psychopaths in my life.  The cyberbully practically destroyed my home business and badly frightened my family.  And s/he got away with it — scott free.

Yes, there are days I still think about committing suicide.  How often do those days come?  Only every single morning when I wake up.  Because the bad guys win.  Perhaps you’ve encountered this discouraging bit of reality.  Why bother being nice and considerate and playing by the rules and all that good stuff when you know you’re going to lose out the ruthless, the amoral and the insane?

Because that’s what you do.  If I killed myself, who would take care of my mother?  Or the pets?  I’m not letting the bad guys weasel their way in because I’m not there. I stay alive to SPITE THOSE BASTARDS.


If someone is reading this and wants to commit suicide, let me give you five arguments against it.  This advice is from someone who’s tried and failed to commit suicide more times than I’ve had hot baths.  I know what I’m talking about.  These are also the questions I ask myself when I feel suicidal. So far, they’ve worked for 7+ years, so they’ve got a good track record.

  1. There is no painless way to commit suicide.  If you are like me, then you are not a big fan of pain. Ever try to cut your wrists? IT FUCKING HURTS!  Ever swallow about 100 Tylenol-codeine pills?  You’ll be vomiting for 36 hours straight and that fucking hurts!  Ever try to tie a plastic bag to your face? Not only does it fucking hurt, you can’t scratch the itch on your nose from the condensation that builds up.
  2. Think about who will be the first person to find your body, or what’s left of your body.  Most likely it will be someone who cares about you.  Do you really want to put someone through the trauma of finding your body DOA? Even if they don’t find it, they would have to go to the morgue in order to identify it for the police.
  3. Who will take care of all of the family members and pets that rely on you?  No one can take care of them as well as you can. Killing yourself will be akin to murdering them.
  4. What if there is no ice cream in afterlife? There is no proof that there is an afterlife.  But I’m in a generous mood. Let’s grant the proposition that there IS an afterlife.  You get there and there’s  no ice cream. Or substitute whatever you want for ice cream — masturbation, kung-fu movies, whatever.  And there you are in the afterlife realizing you’ve missed the opportunity to load up on ice cream before shuffling off this mortal coil.  You’ll feel like such a schmuck.
  5. You’ve been miserable before and survived. If you can do that once, then you have proof that you can do it again.

Feelings are not facts

I wish come up with that quote: “Feelings are not facts.”  The person who came up with that quote was Dr. Abraham A. Low, the founder of what used to be called Recovery International  but is now called the Abraham Low Self-Help Systems. He was an Austrian psychiatrist who moved to Chicago and started a program for what was then called “nervous patients” but what we would now call those with a mental illness or anxiety condition.

When you’re feeling suicidal, you feel:

  • That you cannot be helped
  • That you are a hopeless case
  • That you would be better off dead

But these feelings, no matter how strong, are not facts. Our feelings and memories can fool us.  If you have a mental illness like major depression or are suffering from complicated grief, your memories will go through a filter.  You feel like a failure, so you remember only your mistakes and screw-ups and forget your triumphs and accomplishments.  This makes you feel MORE like a failure and the cycle continues.

One such “nervous patient” was an Englishman named Stephen Fry.  After a series of successes in comedy and television, he suddenly walked out of a play he was starring in and tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide poisoning.  He failed and survived.  He managed to get himself to a doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder or manic depression.  Decades after his suicide attempt, he has directed a movie, made several successful documentaries, still acts (including voice acting) and has been declared a “national treasure” by Prince Charles.

Another example is a far less famous person.  When I was homeless, I met a lot of people with mental illness.  One lady was a paranoid schizophrenic.  All sorts of government agencies were following her, she claimed.  I have to admit, I thought she was a hopeless case.  But, after a couple of years on a combination of medication and therapy, she calmed down, managed to make her own clothes, and could hold a delightful conversation.

These are not exceptions.  They are normal for what happens when suicidal people go get help.  They learned that feelings are not facts.

Listening to other people talk about their lives can help anyone with low self-esteem to feel more confident. Recovery comes slowly, but it will come.

When you suffer with low self-esteem, the worst advice you can hear is “You need to pull yourself together.” Try not to throttle the person who says this to you, even if they really deserve it. They just cannot comprehend what life is with low self-esteem. Trying to explain what it’s like to these kinds of people is like talking to a brick wall. Actually, you get more of a response with the brick wall…

Read the rest of this article at Yahoo! Voices.  Thanks!

The web offers conflicting information about depression. Here are six reputable and well-written websites offering information about depression, mental illness and treatments.

According to the World Health Organization, about 120 million people in the world suffer from clinical depression and those are just the ones that have been diagnosed. That’s a lot of potential customers or suckers (depending on your point of view) that will be interested in buying your depression-related product.

Because of the urge to get your money, it can be baffling to sort the genuine helpful medical information about depression from out and out lies. The following are websites featuring the information you need if you are suffering from any type of depression.

Read the rest of this article at Yahoo! Voices

The word “depression” is used to cover a wide range of complex mental illnesses as well as the emotion of being extremely sad.

Not all depressions are alike. The word “depression” is used to cover a variety of meanings, from an emotion, a financial state, a storm, a crater or several serious medical conditions. Because people have become overly familiar with the word “depression”, it can be difficult for someone suffering from depression to others to understand what they are going through.

Temporary Depression

There are many other terms used for this most familiar type of depression. Basically, when something bad happens to a person, they feel upset. This type of depression has a definite cause and tends to fade after a year, but a person can greatly benefit from visiting with a doctor or therapist during this difficult time. Events that can trigger temporary depression include trauma, diagnosis of a serious illness, death of a loved one or loss of a job.

Read the rest of this article on Yahoo! Voices

Life sucks

Let’s face it — life sucks.

It sucks even more if you suffer from mental illness such as major depression.

Or perhaps you are an abuse survivor or survived a natural disaster.  Everyone tells you that you are lucky to be alive — but it sure doesn’t feel that way!  Each day becomes a battle to keep from falling apart.

But suicide is too radical of an option in order to deal with the suckier aspects of life.

I’m not talking about the elderly dying of painful, incurable cancer looking for euthanasia.  That’s an entirely different set of circumstances.  I’m talking about feeling so awful emotionally or psychologically that you look forward to getting incurable cancer.

You are NOT a freak for wanting to die.  But there are options.  You can still have years left filled with good times.  First, you need to find a reason to not commit suicide.

Hi.  My name is Rena Sherwood.  I know what you are going through.  I’ve thought about suicide since the womb.  I’m not kidding.  My Mom had two miscarriages before me and I tried to be born too early.  But, as you can see, I managed to survive to term.

Not that my life has been one continual carnival.  I’ve suffered from migraines, endogenous recurring depression, homelessness and domestic violence.  I think about committing suicide almost every day. I’ve tried to kill myself more times than I can remember.  And, oh boy howdy — there’s nothing like realizing that you screwed up your own suicide.

But I have found my own reasons not to commit suicide.

If I can do it, so can you.

Welcome to this blog.  I hope it helps.