Okay — I’ll admit up front that I’m having a really bad week. My Mom is still housebound from her knee replacement surgery; I had a migraine for the better part of five days and I had a client stab me in the back (metaphorically.) Some days, I have to force myself out of bed (literally.)
So I was in the grocery store, doped out on triptans to control my migraine. I had to go to the store today. Calling in sick was not an option.
While at the store, I almost burst out into tears. It seemed everyone knew what they were doing — and I was the only one who DIDN’T know what I was doing.
I didn’t burst out into tears but finished shopping, drove home without getting into an accident, put the shopping away, got Mom lunch and ate ice cream.
When you are feeling suicidal, you cannot think logically. For example, even though I still have the sensation that I don’t know what the fuck is going on, apparently I DO know:
- how to drive
- how to do the food shopping
- how to get Mom her lunch
- how to eat ice cream (arguably the most useful skill of the four listed)
Since I’m not a highly original person, the chances are really good that someone reading this right now also feels as if everyone else knows what to do — except yourself. Well, you’re not alone. I also do not know what the fuck is going on. I don’t know why my doctors ignore me and why my Mom can’t get better health care and why I can’t make money anymore from writing — something I’ve spent most of my life doing. Mom is paying the bills and she should not be doing that, although I take of her 24/7. My thoughts are all mixed up and maybe no one else’s thoughts are mixed up.
Of course everyone has mixed-up thoughts once in a while — especially when they are going through a crap time. I’ll get through this. I have before. I became homeless back in 2000 and that wasn’t such a walk in the park. I had a lot of mixed-up thoughts when homeless, let me tell you. At least I have a roof over my head and my mixed-up thoughts.
You’ll get through it, too.