Want to Live Longer? Be Pessimistic, Says Study

According to a 10-year study of 40,000 adults by the American Psychiatric Association, pessimists live longer than optimistsThis seems to be because pessimists can predict dangers and are often more careful in order to avoid these dangers.  Meanwhile, optimists run headlong into danger and do not plan ahead for future disasters.

Oh, just great.  So the way to live longer is not want to live longer.  Just my freakin’ luck I’ll live to be 100 in a nursing home full of optimists.  I’m not looking forward to old age. I’d hate to have to spend most of my life being old.

I’m not looking forward to dying anytime soon, but what depressing news, eh? Almost as depressing as being caught on a stuck elevator with an incurable optimist.

The study did not go on to say whether pessimists breed more often than optimists, but I think we all know the answer to that one.  Those damn optimists breed like flies.  Of course, we pessimists could piss on the graves of the optimists, but then we’d get arrested for public urination and indecent exposure and have to spend the rest of our long, painful decades in prison being bitch to a psychopath.  You did know that psychopaths are optimistic people with very high self-esteem, right?

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