Having Suicidal Thoughts? Read This!

If someone is reading this and wants to commit suicide, let me give you five arguments against it.  This advice is from someone who’s tried and failed to commit suicide more times than I’ve had hot baths.  I know what I’m talking about.  These are also the questions I ask myself when I feel suicidal. So far, they’ve worked for 7+ years, so they’ve got a good track record.

1. There is no painless way to commit suicide.  If you are like me, then you are not a big fan of pain. Ever try to cut your wrists? IT FUCKING HURTS!  Ever swallow about 100 Tylenol-codeine pills?  You’ll be vomiting for 36 hours straight and that fucking hurts!  Ever try to tie a plastic bag to your face? Not only does it fucking hurt, you can’t scratch the itch on your nose from the condensation that builds up.
2. Think about who will be the first person to find your body, or what’s left of your body.  Most likely it will be someone who cares about you.  Do you really want to put someone through the trauma of finding your body DOA? Even if they don’t find it, they would have to go to the morgue in order to identify it for the police.
3. Who will take care of all of the family members and pets that rely on you?  No one can take care of them as well as you can. Killing yourself will be akin to murdering them.
4. What if there is no ice cream in afterlife? There is no proof that there is an afterlife.  But I’m in a generous mood. Let’s grant the proposition that there IS an afterlife.  You get there and there’s  no ice cream. Or substitute whatever you want for ice cream — masturbation, kung-fu movies, whatever.  And there you are in the afterlife realizing you’ve missed the opportunity to load up on ice cream before shuffling off this mortal coil.  You’ll feel like such a schmuck.
5. You’ve been miserable before and survived. If you can do that once, then you have proof that you can do it again.